It has suddenly dawned on me that by writing this blog it may seem like I’m trying to be some sort of parenthood or baby expert. If you’re reading this, please know that really isn’t the case! I’m a first time mummy, trying my best and struggling at times but it helps me and my sanity to put my thoughts out there. If someone finds my blog useful then even better!
I’ve really been wanting to write about breastfeeding because it has been such a journey for me so far, almost 15 weeks in.
I don’t profess to know everything about breastfeeding. I can only share my experiences and opinions but I want to make it clear that in my view, and I have mentioned this before, a fed baby is a happy baby and as much as (most) babies have the natural ability to latch onto boob, they are just as capable to latch onto a bottle. A happy comfortable mummy makes a happy comfortable baby too, regardless of how they are fed. Babies want food. I expect they do not have the capability to judge us mummies on where that food comes from and so in an ideal world, we should be able to feed our babies however we feel best able to without guilt or shame.
Before I got pregnant, I was adamant I would not breastfeed. To me, there seemed to be such a breastfeeding agenda that it really put me off. I understood the benefits of breastfeeding and breast milk but I didn’t want to feel forced to breastfeed just because a midwife or a health visitor told me so. I wanted feeding to be loving and nurturing and a pleasurable experience. Not a chore dictated to me by the NHS or EU targets. This may seem like an overly political view to take on breastfeeding but this really was where my head was at.
However, as soon as I got pregnant, things changed. Seemingly overnight. Something inside me just said “Of course I’m going to breastfeed! Breast is best”. And that may be true but… if I am really really honest with myself, probably the biggest reason for me to breastfeed was that for once in my life, I had an opportunity to do something, for someone, that only I could do.
Is that a selfish reason to want to breast feed?
And in any case, is it ever a selfish act if the outcome is a positive one?
I ask this seriously because, thinking about formula fed babies, is it selfish to feed them formula if they are thriving and if mum would otherwise be stressed and uncomfortable trying to breastfeed? I don’t think so. I think, if both mum and baby are happy then it’s the right decision.
Everyone has their own personal reasons for wanting to feed in one way or another. It may be because it feels natural or for medical, cosmetic, convenience or whatever reasons.
For me, I had the boobs. I was making the milk. I had all the tools needed and yes, they could be replicated with formula and bottles but it made me feel immensely special to be able to do this for our baby. More importantly, I wanted to do this for our baby.
Plus I found formula, bottles, teats and sterilising equipment to be a minefield. Far too much to think about! There are all sorts of anti-colic, self-steralising, closer-to-nature bottles with differing flow sizes or variable flow teats 😶 not to mention cold water sterilisers, electric steam ones, sterilising tablets/ liquids/ wipes etc.. At least with breastfeeding all I had to think about was keeping two things clean and in working order. I didn’t even buy a breastpump for a good number of weeks after the birth of our little boy because I didn’t want to ‘jinx’ my ability to breastfeed. I bought some Aptamil ready made milk just in case I, for whatever reason, was not able to breastfeed our baby as soon as he was born. I’m happy that we never had to use it and that the box sits in a cupboard somewhere.
I eventually did start expressing. About 4 weeks in. Partly because other people kept asking me about it and I felt some pressure to do it but mostly because I felt that it was the right thing to do so my partner could also have the pleasure of feeding our little boy. I was very cautious because I produce so much milk that I really didn’t want to end up producing more by expressing and suffering with engorged boobs.
I initially had a Haakaa manual breast pump which collected breast let down milk that would otherwise go to waste in a breast pad. I absolutely loved this in the earlier days as it meant I wasn’t actively encouraging milk production but merely collecting what was already there. A few weeks later, I bought a generic unbranded electric double breast pump as I was producing too much milk for the Haakaa manual breast pump to collect. I didn’t want to spend £££ on a pump as my heart was invested in using my boobs to feed him rather than using bottles so it felt like an extravagant purchase. So far the electric double breast pump has been absolutely marvellous. I don’t use it every day. Only when I miss a feed or when our little boy doesn’t feed as much as he would normally and I need to empty my breasts.
I now have a freezer full of more breastmilk than I know what to do with but I see it as a “just in case” supply and I try to replace the milk we use up so we are always stocked up.
I will miss breastfeeding as and when I stop. It’s such a lovely feeling to have our son cuddling up to me, skin to skin. It makes my heart warm with love and joy to share such bonding moments with him but I imagine that if he was bottle fed, I would enjoy making these memories just as much.
Nonetheless, I have to admit that I am glad that we don’t really use bottles. Not having to prepare formula is definitely a massive plus for me and another reason to continue to breastfeed. Our son’s milk is free, always available, at the right temperature, with the right nutrients and in the right quantities, anywhere and at any point in time, day or night. Since we don’t really use many bottles, we never really paid much attention to what bottles were de rigueur. Frankly, we initially went with MAM bottles with size 1 teats that we were given gratis at baby events. We then moved onto Nuby and Philips Avent with variable flow teats once baby needed bigger bottles. I can’t say whether I believe that these bottles are the best for breastfed babies because all babies are different, but thankfully, I can confirm we haven’t really noticed any nipple/teat confusion with these bottles. But then again, we don’t bottle feed often enough for our boy to get used to these teats.
Nonetheless, the whole nipple/teat confusion issue was very much a worry for me. Breastfeeding is so physically and emotionally demanding that the thought of all my efforts being thwarted by a pesky bottle was really a source of anxiety.
For that reason, we also chose to avoid the use of a dummy in the first 4 weeks. I genuinely believed that all our baby needed was milk, nipple, breast and cuddles to bring him comfort. When we finally introduced a dummy, he really could not have been less interested. He struggled to keep it in and he would spit it out. He is almost 15 weeks old now and he doesn’t use a dummy at all. I’m not sure I know where they are even if he did start to show signs on wanting one.
Part of me envies babies that use a dummy. There is nothing more stressful or sweat inducing than a baby screaming inconsolably in public. A dummy in these cases would be sooooo welcome. With babies like ours, the lack of interest in dummies certainly makes public meltdowns particularly exciting, especially when there is nowhere to sit to breastfeed inconspicuously. In those cases, bottles and dummies are much more convenient and practical.
But again, I like not having to worry about sterilising dummies as well as bottles. Just 2 breasts and 2 nipples to keep clean with the odd bottle thrown in and sterilised in Munchkin steriliser bags that we also received as gifts. Not much to think about really. Since I started expressing we have also began using the Phillips Avent microwave steriliser as the steriliser bags weren’t big enough for all the components of the breast pump. Again, I expect these bags and sterilisers are very similar to others in the market but they have really worked well for us. The steriliser bags are particularly good when travelling!
Regardless of all my perceived advantages of breastfeeding, I have tried my best to stay open minded whilst simultaneously standing my ground. I feel that my intent and commitment to start and to keep breastfeeding has helped me through some difficult times. Particularly when my decision to breastfeed has been challenged.
There have been arguments when I have refused to express in the early days for fear of nipple/teat confusion; when I’ve shed tears because of lack of sleep and yet when my resistance to express milk has meant no-one was able to take over the feeding to help me rest. I have felt like I was nothing but a milking cow. I’ve been told to formula feed our baby so he sleeps through the night when I have complained of tiredness (incidently he sleeps like an angel most nights). I’ve had thrush. I’ve had mastitis. I have been told to give up breastfeeding because the above are signs that I should stop.
But I have persisted in the knowledge that our baby is thriving and happy being breastfed and that he is getting all the goodness, antibodies and medicinal remedies that come from breastmilk. Furthermore, as time goes on, I feel more and more confident and comfortable breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding is hard. It can be all consuming, painful, isolating and overwhelming. But it’s worth it. I can’t help but think how disappointed I will be if for whatever reason I have to stop breastfeeding before I am ready to, but I have to remind myself to look at the bigger picture. Our son being fed and happy is what counts. Really, I’m hoping to continue breastfeeding well past 6 months, and maybe even past a year, if I can.
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